I have nothing and no one..  And I'm supposed to go on and pretend that it doesn't matter, or that my life is still fulfilling.  Death is slow.  It is a slow draining of spirit.  I wish I could see things in a better perspective.  I am waiting for my provisions.  I am tired of trying.  Everyday is crushing.  I have nothing else to think about or talk about.  I must be the worst of the worst of people.  All my life I must have been terrible.  I was a bad daughter and a bad student.  That was what mattered then and the consequences are what matter now.  Who am I supposed to help or how am I supposed to leave a legacy when I can't even get over the hump of my childhood mistakes.  Kill me please.